it's a process.

moving

2009-05-15T21:34:00.001-04:00

I'm moving! Why? Well, it has the semblance of being productive.
http://estherhasablog.wordpress.com

in search of a metaphor

2009-05-02T03:26:00.002-04:00

Is trusting God like:
1. waiting for a ride,
2. jumping off a bridge and hoping that something saves you before you hit the ground, or
3. digging a tunnel without knowing for sure whether it leads somewhere?

I'm officially done school and need to figure stuff out!

blotches on my monitor make things less clear

2009-05-01T00:06:00.005-04:00

I must start this blog with a picture:

I was moving my parent's van a short distance so I left my the side doors open. My backpack fell out and got caught under the wheel. For some reason, that morning, I decided to bring my laptop (I think I was considering applying for jobs in my down time, which ironically, I now need more than ever.). In a flurry, I moved the car, and checked my laptop, which seemed fine, but when I turned it on, I found the screen looked like this. I am now writing this blog on with the above blotches on my screen (mirrored, of course).

So this, of course, sucks. To emphasize the blow, my camera was in the bag and so the display doesn't work, so I cannot see the pictures I have taken (It's like I'm in the 90s.) and I can't change the settings (or I could change them, but I don't know what I'd be changing them from or to.). Furthermore, this is just one week after I had to replace the windshield of my car after some random thing coming off a car or truck on the highway hits me. For the first time in my life, I will be incapable of paying off my credit card bill in full - just in time for the start of my new life.

But the weirdest thing is I'm not too stressed about it. I initially freaked out and cried, yes, but I soon concluded that it's all just stuff and money. Could this be evidence of growth? Or just does this happen to be a good day for Esther's insides?

This has been a weird week for your friend, Esther. It's the first week without shows, yet with dispersed activity, and a LOT of introspection. Mostly the old stuff, but also a new question: Should I go to Korea again this summer? I would be doing the same job, and making the same money. On one hand, the money would be nice, but on the other hand, it kinda feels like selling out - doing a job I don't like for the money, while I escape the responsibility of pursuing my dreams. I'm not saying I'll never go back, but right now, when I'm trying to begin, it seems cowardly to delay that. But with all this cash draw, maybe I'm being forced into a decision. Does God work that way?

Also: This is the first blog I have done with importing to Facebook. I think I'm shy, but right now, it's important for me to share my journey.

a big ball of horrible questions

2009-04-21T23:39:00.002-04:00

Today I finished my vocal jury, which is the last thing I will be evaluated on at Sheridan College. Basically, for the last few months, I've been putting these 4 songs together to sing in front of my class and about 10 vocal teachers and I did that today, ending in a rewritten verse to They All Laughed dedicated to my class. Now, I'm not totally finished. I still have to go to school to finish Grease, watch other juries, talk to my teachers, go to prom, and go to an awards night, but the work itself is done. School will just peter out as I try to transition into something rather than nothing.

This end of school is supposed to mean something: like, now I should be ready to face the industry as a young professional. Now, it's up to me to believe in myself, and not depend on the spoon-feeding of my teachers. I remain unconvinced. I almost feel less prepared than when I first came, because now, I'm more aware of my insufficiencies. When I first came, I thought everyone was amazing, and though I knew I wasn't a crazy singer or an experienced actor, I believed myself to be good enough. Now I often find myself watching people with jealous critique, and giving myself equally harsh criticism.

You know what? I think I'm more disappointed with this seeming decay in character. That piled onto this "What to do with my future?" crizap. Oh, but maybe it's all the same thing - a big horrible ball of questions that come at the same time (i.e. Have I grown? What am I doing with my life? Why am I single? Can I do what I want to do? Am I in for disappointment? How do I ever pay my student loans? How will I make money? Will I ever make enough? Will I ever move out of my parents house? Am I wasting my talents?).

Writing out that ball made me feel better. It almost looks ridiculous this way.

i'm not very good at making plans.

2009-04-03T10:33:00.003-04:00

IFor some reason, I'm very reluctant to make plans when I know I have a day off. Now, it doesn't help that I don't actually know what my schedule is until the night before, but even so, I find that my usual response to any plan is "maybe." For example, today, I have the day off (until 4) and I woke up and realized that I made any firm plans at all - I had two or three potential plans, but they were so vague that at this point they weren't likely to materialize. In my horrible way, I feel like if I make plans, I might miss out on something better. But what sometimes happens is that I miss out on anything.

Now, for the larger implications: I'm now graduating, and here is this block of time that I have dubbed The Rest of My Life. I have no plans. I have not looked for a non-performing job in case I get a performing job. I have not looked for a place to live in case something pulls me somewhere else. And this seems reasonable, but it just adds up to doing nothing right now.

Or maybe I should be waiting. I wish things were more clear.

the wheels on the bus

2009-03-03T16:59:00.003-05:00

I hate to say it but I've been on this bus for about 8 hours now, and I don't totally hate myself! The bus has wi-fi so I've internet-bugged a lot of people, watched Early Edition and Scrubs... Actually this bus ride is kind of what I do on my days off. That's sad for every other time but now. (Yay!)

So, it's no secret that I've been doing my typical angst-about-the-future thing. Right now, I can talk about it in a logical manner. The questions running through my head are:

1. "What am I going to do with the rest of my life?"

I'm deciding to disregard this question because it is far too general to answer, and it also tends to lead to despair. The only answers I can think of that are true always sound a bit trite.

2. "Will I ever be able to work in this industry?"

This can also be an unproductive in the question because it is inherently pessimistic. If this was an SAT question, I would instruct my students to not answer "No" because that would be too extreme. A less extreme answer would be "Yes", because sometime down the line I should be able to work. An even less extreme answer (and therefore, the best answer) would be "Maybe."

And this is, of course, guessing strategy. With the information I have, however, the answer is "Probably." This may seem overly confident to some, and a little too careful for others, but I think this is the most correct answer. It's a hard industry, and realistically, I don't have a lot of experience, I'm not a dancer, I'm not the strongest singer, and I'm not the best actor (yet). Also, even with the reassurances of many of my teachers, I don't believe being a non-white, non-skinny girl is an asset (yet).

But to neglect the other side of the story would also not be honest (though tempting, because at least with one side of the story, we can be conclusive). I've been to Sheridan, and on top of the training I've received, I have many great friends who I want to collaborate with. I can pick up dance combinations better than I ever could, and in a show situation, I can even pull it off. My voice is still growing, but furthermore, I like the way it sounds sometimes. And despite whether I'm a good actor or not, I believe in it. I work hard and I can be funny and thoughtful. I've been writing songs that I like, and I think I can tell some good stories.

If you've been keeping track, these arguments lead us to a very strong "Maybe," but here's where I'll push into "Probably." I want to do it. I want to tell stories. I want to share my songs and expose God's narrative in my life. So that's why I tentatively say "Probably."

3. "How am I going to make money?"

So I'm on a bus to NYC. Who does that? People trying to squeeze every penny at the expense of their own comfort. I'm planning to go to see shows, but I haven't bought any tickets hoping that I'll get some rush tickets. When I come back home, I think I'll have about $100 to my name. I feel capable of many things, but getting jobs that I didn't hate has never been a skill of mine.

I need a job that is flexible so I can audition, and that I wouldn't feel too bad leaving if I got a performing. Or maybe I need to put something on hold.

Anyway, that's what's happening in my brain. Maybe NYC has something to tell me, and I'll have interesting and insightful things to say for my ride home.

my exodus

2009-02-28T12:15:00.004-05:00

Here's a rough version of a new song. I'll probably record it better when I have more time, but I just wanted to share.

lonely is an illusion

2009-02-15T22:40:00.003-05:00

Good Christians often start introspections with "I was reading in my Bible..." and then go on to make some enlightened connection from a seemingly out-dated book to their lives. Well, this is no claim to being a "good Christian," but I gotta say, there's something about these Genesis stories that connect. There's something lonely about these stories of people going on big journeys.

The connect? Well, I don't know. I'm about to graduate and I'm scared. I don't have a job, an agent, or any real plan. I have dreams but they are all smoke right now. I would love to keep on writing music, but it's hard to bank on inspiration. I would love to get a job performing, but I have to get someone to hire me first. I wonder how I'm going to pay for rent, food and OSAP. I wonder if I should move out of my parents' into Toronto, like I always assumed.

I guess that's the loneliness. With all these questions, it's easy to think that I'm in this by myself - any luck or disaster that befalls me will be solely mine. And it IS a lot like that when I'm trying to "market myself" to casting directors, artistic directors, and agents. I guess that's also why performing is fun. All the glory's yours too. But maybe that explains why performers are often egotistical and moody.

I suppose being lonely is an illusion. Even your character is a product of so many relationships. I know being at this moment would not be possible if not for so many friends and family members who have supported me and challenged me. And then there's the promise that God keeps on speaking to all these journeyers - "I will be with you."

Maybe lonely is an illusion, but I still try to touch the pictures at the 3D movies.

pop music is okay

2009-01-09T22:42:00.002-05:00

Hey. Maybe I'll do this again.

What I learned: It's much faster to make a video of you playing music than recording it.

Enjoy, friends!

Happy 2009!

2008-12-31T18:34:00.002-05:00

Ah, yes. It's that time of year again - the end of it: the wonderful time of retrospect and blogging! This was the end of the year I arbitrarily named Year of Not Being Shy. So I don't know what I really did this year besides change my Facebook profile and go to Korea, which I don't know qualifies as "not being shy" but significant nonetheless.

Anyway, I don't feel so great about YNBS as I did about Year Without Fear. Year Without Fear was a year of great change, and while YNBS did have some lovely moments, it wasn't as slap-in-your-face changing. To be honest, I don't know if I committed to the whole "not being shy" as much as I should have - I don't know if I was totally sold that my being shy was a bad thing. Shouldn't I exercise caution when meeting new people? (Especially cute boys?)

I've been avoiding thinking during this very long holiday. So much so that I've even taken up regular exercise. (I know! What is going on with me?) Is there something I'm avoiding? Is there something that I'm trying not to look at too hard? Or am I finally getting over my over-analytical emo phase?

2009 is a big year. Graduation, looking for work, making work, moving (where to? maybe Toronto? maybe somewhere else?). I'm really really really scared.

May this year be everything it could be, friends. May you become more of who you were meant to be. Happy 2009!

big e(s)the(r/l)

2008-12-19T14:18:00.006-05:00

I used to read Archie comics all the time, until I realized how repetitive and politically incorrect they were, but still, I remember always going to the store, sitting on a milk crate by the magazines and reading Archie comics.

One way I think that has affected me is my intrinsic attitudes towards male-female interactions. Now, I realize quite vividly that, even though Betty never gets the guy, she is obviously the better of the two, but my deep-seated issues lie with that sad, other girl, Ethel.

At my young age, I was able to see the injustice of Archie always going for Betty, especially when Betty and Veronica looked exactly the same, except for the hair, but at that point, it never occurred to me to see how coarsely they were portraying poor Ethel. Now, whenever I think of approaching a guy, I have this fear of being like Ethel - running at him, with buck-teeth and hearts around my head.

You know, there aren't a lot of female names that start with 'E'. I know this is kind of out there, but that very fact draws me a little too close to her. Ethel was the only girl who ever approached the guy in those comics (except for maybe Betty, but that never ended well for her either), she's the only non-hottie, and guys cringed when she came around, fearing that she might fall in love with them.

But, you know, at least Ethel was happy. She never spent too much time feeling sorry for herself. I don't know. It's just too easy to cop out.

thank you, friends

2008-12-14T20:19:00.006-05:00

disappointment intimacy and monsters

2008-12-07T22:16:00.005-05:00

So, just as a follow-up to the post earlier today, what happened is I waited for another 2 hours, and then opened the email to much disappointment. Now, that disappointment is gone now, after I have gained my right mind, but at that instant, even with the thankful preparation, I was devastated... well, maybe, I was just disappointed but then we had this feedback loop of being upset with myself for being disappointed, and then it just got out of control.

If I want to work in this industry, I realize that disappointment is something I will have to become intimate with. Disappointment may have to become my boyfriend. But as reasonable as I can be on paper, this monster of emotion comes welling up inside of me saying things like, "You're not good enough to do this!" and "No one believes in you!" or even worse, "(S)He got a great part and you didn't?!?!" And the strange thing is that these things can contradict each other, but I'll believe all of them.

Anyway, with the help of Jesus Christ, the monster's away for now, hushed with promises of peace, songs of love, and hints of purpose. But I can't help but be disappointed (Ha! There it is again.) with how much I let that monster take control.

Oy vey. Is this life? Or is this just my life?

"give thanks in all situations": an exercise

2008-12-07T07:33:00.003-05:00

So here I am, at 7:30 on a Sunday morning, awake after about 3.5 hours of sleep, checking my email for the casting list. See this week, my class did auditions for the next four shows, and this morning, the head of the program will email us a list of who is playing what. My father (who always wakes up early. Don't ask me when - no matter how early I wake up, he's always up before me.) asks me why I'm up, and I tell the lowdown.

"I just really want a good part, but there are so many talented people in my class," I tell him. "I'm afraid that I'll get left in the dust here."

"If you think that way, you'll always be disappointed," says my father sagely. "Be thankful always..." Then he continues on and explains why, and I have to be honest, I think I trailed off.

So, still unable to sleep, and still watching my email closely, feeling hope, but feeling more like I'll be disappointed, I decided to close that window for now, and be thankful in a systematic, list way, because that's how I roll.

I'm thankful for Sheridan. Remember what I miracle it was that I got in?! I'm amongst the most talented students in the country, and I really am honoured to be working with them and being friends with them. I often get stuck on being jealous of their talents, but that is a waste of energy.
I'm thankful for living at home. I know I often complain about the commute, but I love my parents and these last few years, they've been supporting me so much, and I've gotten to see what amazing people they are.
I'm thankful that I get to do a pop critique! I get to play the Opera House in less than a week, with an amazing band. I've seen songs I've written come to life by an amazing band! I've gotten to write songs! At Sheridan, I gotten some great encouragement when it comes to songwriting, especially when it comes to a shy girl like me.
Because of my waking up early, I'm watching the sun slowly fill my living room, while I lay in a blanket by the fire. I may be neurotic, but it's opened me up to this moment right now.
I'm thankful that the show closed last night but with so much energy and life. It's, of course, sad, saying bye to things like that, but it was really fun and even though I had a small part, it was a good part. I got a song, I got to play the guitar, and I got to express myself mostly through dance!

I suppose I could go on forever. I have forgotten to do this so often lately. I am so blessed, so I resolve to be thankful, no matter what the casting. I'm going to check my email again. Wish me luck,

lazy sunday

2008-11-30T16:50:00.002-05:00

It's weird, the images that stay with us. Today the image I'm recalling is from The Associate, starring Whoopi Goldberg. There's this scene after everything has gone wrong for her, and so she's locked herself up in her apartment. When Dianne Wiest comes to convince her to fix her life, we see her apartment filled with completed jigsaw puzzles.

Every Sunday, I don't do work. Now, the reason for this is that I think I work really hard the rest of the week, and according to the bible, I'm entitled to one day of rest... Right? Writing that down, I realize the bible doesn't really say that. It says that I should keep the Sabbath holy. It's not about my version of resting (which is watching seasons of tv shows) but it's about re-dedication, re-focussing.

Sometimes I feel like I have all the answers, if I just sat and thought things out. But that's certainly not true: I think it's more like I can't stand having unanswered question in my head, so I make up incomplete answers.

an academic discussion on the surface.

2008-11-27T11:16:00.004-05:00

One of my sister's professors at Mac studied marking essays, etc., to see what the "best way" to mark is. How should you mark so the students learn as much as possible? Apparently, the prof's conclusion was the best way to mark was "really high," meaning my sister got 110% on an essay that she felt luke-warm about.

So, right now in I'm in school for performance - something that is very subjective, unlike engineering, where the right answer is very clear. I wonder what the best way to mark would be. In engineering, I know it would be impractical to give easy tests so everyone gets a good mark, or to give marks where wrong answers are, but in performance, sometimes I feel like it would be nice to get consistent As. If it's so subjective, then why not tell me I'm awesome all the time, so I feel encouraged and work harder.

Of course, I understand the value of getting lower marks - I have to know where I can improve, and as much as everyone says that I have to measure my own journey, I have to know how I compare. Maybe you've guessed by this point that this academic discussion is just the movement on the surface. It's just tough to try to not consider yourself a B-level performer, when despite your best efforts, that is your mark.

No, no, NO. I cannot define myself that way. John always referred to himself as "the one whom Jesus loved." I must strive to do the same.

learning to be helpless

2008-11-26T23:59:00.002-05:00

My brother has been saying that his blog-a-days have been producing insincerity, which, I suppose, is the risk of any artist trying to produce art. For me (for today at least) I feel like there are always things bubbling over the top that I never really get a chance to express. Sometimes it's "I'm really tired. I want to whine." but I guess that whole hope for honesty is what I'm aiming for.... well, maybe something more than that - interesting honesty.

So on Sunday I heard a sermon on love, and the speaker said that the best love comes when you feel completely helpless. I don't really understand that fully, but I'm finding myself in situations where I am at a loss at how to love my friends. I can try to do what I can for them, but sometimes, I just feel helpless. When I heard the sermon I thought that the receiver of love is supposed to feel helpless, not that the giver might need to be. I guess none of us are true givers of love, but channel-ers of God's love, and we need to get the f out of the way for that to happen.

i'm not a milkmaid, i just play on tv

2008-11-24T23:36:00.001-05:00

Today we performed our show for the rest of our class, and I think the show is kinda good! Hurray!

imperfect polaroids

2008-11-23T21:33:00.003-05:00

I came across a picture yesterday of myself when I first came to Sheridan. It's a horrible Polaroid of me at the audition. I looked at the picture and thought "Wow, have I changed!" Is that true? And if it is true, has that change been growth?

I feel like some parts of my growth have been figuring out what I'm not, which is painful and humbling. But sometimes, maybe I need to differentiate between what I'm not and what I'm not yet. I'm not an ingenue, and probably never will be, and I'm also not someone who has tact and grace coming out of every pore, but hopefully, someday, I will be.

2008-11-23T00:50:00.002-05:00

Even though it's past midnight, I still consider it Saturday. Today we did our first dress rehearsal, and I remember why I love this so much. It reminded me of SkuleNite! I think no matter where I get to in life, I'll always remember SkuleNite, and even though it was a non-professional show done by engineers, it was really something extraordinary.

I'm tired. Inviting lots of people on Facebook is hard. I'm actually going through every person to see whether that person is 1. a good enough friend or 2. would like live music. I have too many non-friends on Facebook. It's a little weird.

e out.

it's friday!

2008-11-21T09:33:00.003-05:00

You know what that means! It means I failed my blog-a-day task! I have a good excuse, though - Blogger was seemingly not working, giving me a chance to play my favourite computer game, Hearts! One thing I'll miss about PCs is the awesome games, like Hearts, Spider Solitaire, Chip's Challenge*, Minesweeper, etc. I realize I can probably download those things, but that would defeat the purpose. I can't go out of the way to get those things - They are meant to be incidental distractions. Those kinds of things eat my life away.

Today, to mix things up.... a picture!

This is my friend with a vocalise book in the G-basement, the place where I spent the last two years. I had a singing test this morning which I could not study for more because I'm at school until 10 and have to be back for 9. I'm not complaining though. I've already done that. Honestly, the fun people around me are making even the boring stuff fun.

*Chip's Challenge is more of a memory from Windows 95.

day 2

2008-11-19T11:08:00.002-05:00

I almost gave up on this whole blog-a-day thing. Day 2 is an important day for me. I'm a big dreamer, and that gives way to many plans - too many plans to actually follow through on everything. So often I'll, in my mind, make these very well-intentioned plans that will inevitable lead me to be a better performer/musician/student/person, that never come to fruition.

I had a conversation with my friend Lucas* about how frustrated we were. I believe I have worked hard, but often I sometimes take a break from working hard because it doesn't seem to show anything. I know I'm supposed to trust the abstract concept of "the process" while I just optimistically trudge along, but sometimes that doesn't seem like enough.

*You wanna hear something embarrassing? Lucas and I have to kiss in the show, but I'm really bad at it, so yesterday we were practising. Of course, we got caught in the most embarrassing way possible. Our choreographer called us onstage telling us to stop having so much fun. GA!

taking my own advice/following my brother's example

2008-11-18T19:00:00.000-05:00

I was talking to my sister on the weekend, and she was talking about when we were kids. If Danny would act up, we had completely different approaches to it. Gloria, in all her 11-year-old wisdom, decided that the best way for us to help him was to set an example. My response, according to her, was "That won't work!!" so I decided to yell at him while Gloria acted how she thought he should act.

Today, the trend continues. I still yell at my brother (though not as often, and much subtler), and my latest piece of "advice" to my brother was to write in his blog daily. He wants to be a writer, and it seemed like good advice. What I didn't really anticipate is that he would actually do it. Instead of waiting for inspiration, he's just writing down his uninspired thoughts, and the result is wonderful. So, now, by some weird combination of things, I am following my brother following my advice. I'm going to try and write a blog everyday. Maybe the result won't be very good, but at least I'll be consistently getting things down. Like my brother, I want to be a writer someday (I'd like to write a play someday.), also, I want to be a songwriter, but lately the inspiration doesn't seem to be there. But maybe I just need to practice. Or maybe it's not what I'm meant to do. Or maybe that's being pessimistic. Sometimes I can't tell.

I'm in the theatre right now, doing mic checks for Two Gentlemen of Verona. I keep on missing my turn to go up. Everyone is a little grumpy or a little down. I'm trying to muster up some sunshine. That's not easy.

gossip is a funny word

2008-11-15T22:40:00.002-05:00

Relient K has this great song called "Who I Am Hate Who I've Been," and I really don't need to tell you more that, because I think it's pretty clear what it's about. But that feeling of remorse is a good thing, I think, because it means you're changing.

However, lately, I've been feeling degenerative. I've spent the last couple school years with roughly the same thirty-five people, and while, I understand and cherish the benefits of a bunch of people growing together, I feel like lately, I've been feeling the disadvantages, hardcore. I've totally fallen into the trap of gossiping and judging my peers. And I don't really know if this is true, but I feel like it's especially hard to avoid in a performance program, where we are constantly watching each other and critiquing so our own performances can get better. But I think we forget to stop when the person stops performing and let that person just exist.

Once, at church, we were talking about gossip, and something very wise was said about often Christians will gossip under the mask of Christian concern. At school, our gossiping is all in the name of human study/performing arts. It all seems very right, very proper, to dissect the behaviour of our friends, so we can understand how to view their performances with better context. But even if the people never find out how much I discussed them, I know that I'm not really seeing people for who they are, but for who I've concluded they must be.

But then again, sometimes, I just feel like I need to vent. But is this venting letting go of these thoughts inside me, or necessitating a need for them? Maybe if I didn't "vent" all the time, I would just stop getting so frustrated or judgmental. Is this the case? Someone talk to me.

*I'm on my new computer. I thought I should christen it with a blog entry. This is the start of my new life: I spent 6 years on my old PC desktop, and now I enter the professional theatre world with this pretentious piece of plastic under my arm.

my contribution to the internet this week

2008-11-09T20:42:00.003-05:00

is a song. I know I haven't been blogging very well, but whatever, you all are reading this over a feed anyway. I got recording equipment this week, and as a result, realized that my computer is too old and I need a new one. I might get a Mac, but I just hate Mac users. They're all so effing* smug!

So I recorded a song and put it up on my my my myspace: http://myspace.com/estherwroteasong. It would be cool if you had 2:42 to listen to TES. I spent all Sunday afternoon on it, and I'm cautiously proud.

Peace, friends!

*I believe that "effing" of "f" (as in "what the f!") is the funniest way to not swear.

dream of the day: to be inspiring

2008-10-29T21:37:00.004-04:00

I'm in a funny mood, though a familiar one. I'm craving contact. Though I desperately need rest, and though there are many useful things I could be doing right now, all I want to do is feel like I'm communicating. But I'm too tired/shy to see out a real conversation. So instead, I Facebook/blog/internet stalk.

I'm kind of a viking (and not in a cool way). I'm sweeping into your life and pillaging all that I need without giving anything back. I'm trying to make you be my friend, without being yours. I'm taking all that entertainment and honesty from blogs and Facebook, and then hiding myself away.

Anyway, that's why I'm blogging right now. To "give back" to the internet community I take advantage of so much, and to feel connected to this unidentified group of readers. I realize that maybe, I'm just adding to the noise, but maybe, I'm starting a conversation with a friend.

One of the reasons I suddenly got convicted for being reclusive (and not in the cool I'm-taking-time-for-myself way, but in the I-don't-feel-like-other-people-are-worth-my-effort-right-now way), is because I came across this shamefully inspiring website. You may have heard of http://songstowearpantsto.com, right? Well, this guy (his name is Andrew and he's very nice) has this other website called http://andrewismusic.com, and on his FAQ and bio there, my feelings of awe and jealousy seemed to be transferred into feelings of potential aptitude.

So, right now, I feel like I should be creating, but all I can do is blog. My guitar is so far across the room, and writing songs is hard. It's so much easier to take from this world.

2008-10-19T23:05:00.006-04:00

Today, I had a small milestone: I told people that I was "an aspiring actor." This story would probably be more impressive if I dropped the "aspiring" and didn't immediately qualify it by saying "I know it's kind of... you know," but I will still acknowledge this first baby step. I know sometimes I'm really psyched, but in that quiet, true way, I think I'm becoming okay with being a foolish dreamer.

I'm scared, you know? I really don't know what I'll be doing in one year. I've always said that I want to make art, but I'm learning that what I really want is to take that still, small voice in me and make it resound and resonate with people (or at least that's what I want to want). But who knows how that will take form or if it will at all?

No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those that love him.

I have this week off. I'm going to Guelph to spend some time with some Jesuits, getting headshots done and generally singing and acting in a room by myself until I get better. That's how I spend my time. Life has changed for your friend Esther.

time warp

2008-09-17T21:43:00.003-04:00

I am coming to a point in my life where I have to make some decisions. And these questions like "What will I do when I graduate?" or "Where will I live?" are not only practical questions, but they seem to encapsulate a piece of my identity - namely, the kind of artist I will be. How can I be a Christian artist? A Canadian artist? A Korean-Canadian artist?

I think it's pretty daring of me to to declare myself an artist. Who am I? An angsty adolescent with a blog, a few songs under belt and some big aspirations of acting. But I'm okay with being this bold. I want to make art. I want to change to world. I want to be a speaker of truth.

It's still shocking to me to think of three years ago when I was stressed out because I didn't know what I would be doing next September. This time, I'm kind of excited. I'm excited to find out what kind of shape my career/art/life will take. Now, I understand (cerebrally) that it will be hard - I will probably be working a crappy job, probably way below my qualifications, but at least I'll be chasing something, you know?

I'm probably being way too optimistic right now. Give me a few years to get hardened.

"what does SAT stand for?"

2008-09-09T21:21:00.003-04:00

This summer, as you may know, I taught SAT prep, and in the first class, we couldn't really teach anything so we had to give a little intro talk on the SATs. I always started with the question "What does SAT stand for?" Now, if everything went as planned, I'd get a number of reasonable responses like Standard Aptitude Test or Scholastic Achievement Test, then some stupid ones like Silly Annoying Thing. Then, as a part of my attempt to make the kids like me, I'd add ones like Surf And Turf, or Sweet Apple Tart. AND THEN, as part of my final flourish, I'd announce that officially the letters SAT don't stand for anything. That was how I planned it. Usually what would happen is some smart-ass would say "It stands for nothing," and give away the whole thing, thus ruining my entire flourish.

Anyway, I'd usually barrel through, and said to them, "So what can we extrapolate* is that just as the letters SAT don't mean anything, the SAT does not mean anything - not achievement, not aptitude, not dinner choices. It's just a test that people have randomly assigned meaning to, and that's why you're taking this course." Now I said this to relax them a bit. That this test is only important because people say it is, and if their opinion matters, you have to work a bit, but it's still just a random test.

Now today and yesterday, my music theatre class was subjected to a series of auditions. How much these matter is a point in contention - the teachers know us and our work. They tell us it's a learning experience and that is probably true as well. But, you know, I'm coming to realize that these auditions are just like the SATs. They mean nothing. They don't necessarily represent how talented I am or how well I perform, but someone is attaching importance to it, suddenly, I have to work.

Needless to say, this blog is just a long way of saying "sour grapes." But, you know, maybe it's healthy to take a little bit comfort in meaninglessness. I will add this to the many scales to balance (lest I go too extreme in any given direction, which I certainly have been known to do).

*Then I'd write "extrapolate" on the board, and have them define it.

snap back to reality*

2008-09-07T21:54:00.007-04:00

So I've been in Canada two weeks now, and Seoul seems so far away. Everything that happened there seems to be fictional at this point, and all the people I met and all the things I learned seemed to be encased within this storybook, rather than something that happened just a little while ago. As if I worked that much teaching SAT prep, math and physics! As if I shopped as much as I did! As if I stayed in a place where I didn't know the language for so long! It seems unreal. Even the spiritual growth I experienced seems very far away now.

So here I am at the beginning of my last year of musical theatre school. Can you believe it? I was talking to my friend at church today, and she said it just seemed like yesterday I was about to plunge into it from just finishing at U of T. Wow! As if I went to U of T for engineering! Everything is starting to be fictional.

Korea seemed to be training me for something. With Jubilee, I really learned a new way to worship God, which doesn't necessary seem to work the same way in my life here. Maybe it's this coming year, preparing me to make all these big decisions. I've totally been here before! Three years ago, I went through the same spiel of questions. Remember all those emo blogs? I liked them, but they were clearly from heart of angst of a 20-year-old girl. Now I am 23, and have everything under control!

This is my life, but I refuse to give that phrase too much gravity. There are either no mistakes or too many. Either way, if I try and control it I'll just get run over.

This year is my showcase year and I'm supposed to be coming to a point where I'll can show the world what I've learned over the last two years, and that's supposed to be some semblance of enough. This year, may I be bold enough to let myself be who all these experiences have led me to be.

This is a blog from December 2005. It's kind of crazy how life works. You know, secretly, I hoped that doing this musical theatre thing from engineering would make me more interesting to people. I'm not really sure if that worked. I think, no matter what I did three years ago, I'd be just as interesting, which just goes to show - what people actually do is kind of superficial. Really, how does it reflect the actual person? This week, I've met up with friends from university who are becoming lawyers, doctors and PhDs, but to me, they haven't changed - they're just finally finding their niche.

Too many big questions for one blog. I'm out of practice. I've missed you, written blog.

*At the noraebangs in Seoul, Lose Yourself became my signature song.

vlog #17: final thoughts from incheon

2008-08-25T20:24:00.001-04:00

Last one. It's been cool.

vlog #16: feet in the Cheongyecheon

2008-08-16T20:29:00.001-04:00

vlog #15: pensive

2008-08-11T08:17:00.001-04:00

I'm think-y. There will an action-packed one soon!

vlog #14: happy

2008-08-04T09:40:00.000-04:00

Look at me, being all positive!

vlog #13: two down, one to go

2008-07-27T09:00:00.001-04:00

This is only a quick check-up. I wouldn't recommend this to anyone who wants to be entertained.

vlog #12: my family

2008-07-20T07:39:00.001-04:00

vlog #11: political thoughts and theatre

2008-07-13T08:45:00.003-04:00

Okay, so I've stopped being nervous about vlogging, but that is now having an adverse effect. This happened with school too - without being concerned enough, I'm a little too laid back and I'm babbling on too long with no point and I haven't properly planned out what I'm going to say.

With this in mind, here's vlog #11:

linda, aren't you proud of me?

2008-07-12T06:48:00.006-04:00

Dear Linda,

I climbed a freakin' mountain today, and you'd better be proud, because it was really hard, and I'm never doing it again.

So I called Umma this morning to ask her which mountain I should climb, and she said she used to climb Dobongsan every weekend. Every weekend! It should be no problem for me to do just once. So Sharon and I took the subway for an hour to get there.

Here's me when I still had hope. I took this picture specifically for you, Linda. Please note that I'm eating corn.

I hope you like tragedies. This next picture was taken as we turned a corner. Sharon (who was speeding in front of me) said, "Esther, don't look up." And then when I looked up, this is what I saw:

This is the first of many hopeless views on my climb.

How did Umma do this every weekend? I'm tired, and I will go to bed before 9:00 tonight as a result. I didn't think I was that out of shape, but Sharon went up with me, and she had fun. I was literally saying things like, "I don't wanna do this anymore. I'm going to stop." and praying aloud to Jesus, asking Him to get me to the top of the mountain. It brought back those wonderful, ahem, memories of climbing mountains with you. I kept on thinking about how ashamed you'd be of me for taking so many breaks, then being so proud of me for actually getting to the top.

Oh, and we got to the top. Too bad is was too cloudy to actually see anything. So my proof of getting to the top is the map at the bottom of the mountain. We went to Jaunbong - that's right, the TALLEST ONE.

You would have loved this mountain, though, Linda. There's all these ajimas and ajishees in full-out hiking gear - nylon shirts, Nalgene bottles, and hiking poles. They were all so hard-core, and then they'd all find a corner and have a picnic. The wimps were the younger ones.

Linda, you'd be so proud of me and Sharon. We're eating so healthy because we're on this Daniel fast thing - no white flour, no animal products, no sugar. I was just eating pineapples. Aren't you proud? I'm eating like you minus the weird low-fat foods. They have these tofu chips which are amazing.

I need to go to bed now, Linda. I miss you, and I'm mad that I wasn't home when you were. I feel like I'm getting left out of family events. Especially when I get up early to call home at dinner time when I know you'll all be there, and no one is there, because everyone left already. That makes me sad.

You are going to move to Vancouver now, and you'll be far far away again, so Hardeep and I cannot visit you as easily, even if you insult him when he tries to help you. I miss you, seester.

love,

esther
P.S. I'm sorry for depressing you. I'm actually feeling pretty good. I wonder if that's related to the exercise.

vlog #10: pros and cons

2008-07-05T07:40:00.001-04:00

I'm tired. I have less insight and entertainment capability when I'm tired.

vlog #9: walking down Cheonggyecheon

2008-06-29T08:10:00.000-04:00

my dear lisa

2008-06-28T09:36:00.009-04:00

it's been such a long time, friend! i've been trying to keep updated by blog-stalking you and i love and miss you with every random picture.

so, you are being public blog emailed, which means that i'm going to have this email up on my blog as well. i hope you don't mind. i don't think you will...

i'm in korea! it's been about a month now, and i really hate my job right now (something i know you can relate to)... but right now, i'm reminded of a quote you put on your blog: "I do positively HATE my job, but whatever I hate my job in NYC!" i hate my job, but whatever i hate my job in seoul! i never thought of it like that yet. i need lessons in joy.

i've been thinking about you every once in a while here. in seoul, there are so many cute, cute things. there are some things that i know you would just love - the stationary, for example, is adorable. i was going to take a picture for you, but instead, i'll just send it to you in the mail. but keep in mind, that it'll take me a while to send it, and then it'll be a few weeks. but it'll be worth the wait... maybe. all the clothes are very cute, and some of it is super cheap - like about five dollars for a shirt is very common. and then some of my friends raised the question whether it's christian to buy nice clothes and i brought you up as an example of someone who worships God through beautiful things.

anyway, the reason you are getting public blog emailed is because i went to this amazing part of town - Samchung-dong - and my cousin took me to this cute restaurant that i know you would have loved. check it out.

Basak means 'crunchy'! this is the inside:

napkin holder on the table was neat-oh with this cool picture behind it.

bathroom! isn't it cool!

but here's the clincher. here's why i KNOW you'd love love love it:

HAND-WRITTEN menus! it looks like someone's journals, with little stickers and pictures on it.

anyway, i miss you, lisa... oh wait, i just remember why i didn't mail you that postcard already. how much longer will you be in NYC? let me know where i should mail you.

love to you, lisa lisa!

esther

a new song

2008-06-22T04:14:00.002-04:00

Okay, no vlog today, and perhaps, not this week. Instead, I'm sharing a new song.

Things to note:
1. Don't try and play guitar and record yourself when the camera is on the bed. It will shake.
2. I lose my words a couple times, but right now I don't really care. Maybe I'll redo it later. Maybe not. Whatever.

이블데드!

2008-06-16T08:51:00.004-04:00

So I talked a bit about it in my vlog, but just in case you don't watch those, it was wonderful. I was wondering if they'd keep all the sexy jokes, because, in my point of view, Koreans just don't do that, but they were definitely there (as far as I can gather. It was in Korean, so I just went from what I remembered and their suggestive body language.). The audience was also all young girls, which is almost the opposite of what it is in Toronto. The friend I was with was saying that the connection might very well be because of the sexual jokes. She said that in her experience, it's the girls who like the sexual jokes, rather than in North America where the opposite is more likely to be true.

The dancing was incredible and the singing was amazing. They really played up the campiness to the max. In the Toronto version (which, don't get me wrong, I LOVED), I really didn't like "Housewares Employee," the ballad in the beginning of the show. But in this show, they took campiness to the highest level possible. There wasn't a single weak link.

The moose in this show was actually Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and at the end, they had these incredible encores. Now, I have a thing against planned encores, but the audience wanted it, and it was awesome. There was a beat-boxing, rapping, break-dancing encore, followed by each of the cast members singing a song from the show by another character (which must so cool, being an actor, and showing off this other side!)

It's cool to see Koreans play every role. In Canada, I sometimes feel so limited by what I can play, but it really can't be an issue here. Koreans come in all shapes and sizes, so it was nice for everyone to see past the initial issue of non-whiteness immediately. Not to say Koreans aren't racist.

I saw Macbeth last week, and I can sense a kind of physical theatre tradition. In the showing of Macbeth, it was past realism into true physical symbolism whenever possible, and it was wonderful. (When Macbeth was deciding to kill Duncan, he did it hanging from the ceiling upside down! And Lady M's hand-washing speech was her stomping in a bucket then using Macbeth to walk on the walls.) That kind of understanding of theatre, I believe, is what makes Evil Dead so good, and it probably works so well here.

Seeing Evil Dead has reminded me that I have to get my dance up, but there has been NO TIME! Gah! I found another place to go to, and it's closer to work. Koreans dance a lot, I guess. The dude at the place asked me whether I was learning so I could dance in the background of a music video. HA!

Yay! Regular written blog. Hope this doesn't bore you!

vlog #8: boring and unsmart

2008-06-16T08:35:00.002-04:00

I hope this isn't boring. GAH!

vlog #7: guitars and singing

2008-06-14T12:49:00.002-04:00

vlog #6: theatre fiasco

2008-06-08T08:21:00.003-04:00

Okay, two things:
1. I was in the bathroom because my roommates were sleeping.
2. In this video, I'm talking about Evil Dead: The Musical, which, by the way, is now the longest running Canadian musical in Toronto history.
3. I'm really busy, but I'll try for one vlog a week.

vlog #5: a long rant

2008-05-30T10:01:00.001-04:00

Caution: Only watch this one if you miss me a LOT. This will cure it.

all l is on!

2008-05-28T08:30:00.007-04:00

ALL L IS ON!!!!

you are being public blog emailed! boo yeah! (read here for a description of what that is.) everyone will be able to read this email on my blog so i can share information with everyone whilst specifically addressing people. little brother Danny said that he thinks that "this will be a really neat way for you to kind of catalog your experience, conversationally."

Alllison, I'm emailing you specifically because i just took a dance class today and i feel awesome. tired? yes. light-headed and sore? more and more every second. but i feel inspired. i have forgotten what it's like to have a really good dance class, and i really do want to get better. trying as hard as i was and being amongst people who are so much better than me really opened my eyes to how much i've stopped trying at school.

okay, so this dance class is run totally in korean and it's basically a jazz class. alllison, i took THE BEGINNER LEVEL - the lowest possible level i could take and it almost killed me. okay, so i've never taken a dance class outside of school, but is this what i'm to expect? the little korean woman running the class may have been close to 50, but she was FIT - kind of like Robin if she was korean, and she was tough. maybe koreans work harder than the classes i'm used to, because after this class, no one left! everyone just stayed from 8:30 to 9:00 working on the combo (which, by the way, was long and really fast). alllison, i'm pretty sure if i keep on taking this class, i will be a better dancer come september. please, encourage me. now, i could sign up for a month of classes at 110,000 won for a month (~$110), or just a coupon of 10 classes for 130,o00 won, which i think is more practical because it requires less commitment, which could turn out being Bad News Bears, because i'll do a total of 10 classes for the entire summer.

good news #2! i went to this church called Jubilee (and it's awesome but that's for another email) and asked some lady about singing lessons, and she was all like, "oh yeah! totally! ...but, hold on, are you looking for opera singing, because the guy i'm thinking of is more musical theatre..." I KNOW! isn't that totally wack how i seem to be taken care of out here?

one last thing: you know how sometimes we like to talk about racism? do you think this applies?

maybe you can't tell what i'm referring to. i'll blow it up.

now, to me, it seems like they took a brown happy face and gave it a fro and called it a Black girl and a Black boy, but my friends here seem to think they're just sheep. I don't know. i suppose it's not very important.

okay, friend, i'm tired, and i'm going to bed.

good night/morning!

-esther

vlog #4: a quick korean chat

2008-05-27T19:07:00.002-04:00

Ag! I'm late for work! I have to buy an umbrella so the Korean acid rain doesn't kill me.

dear danny

2008-05-25T08:19:00.003-04:00

dear danny,

i thought of you today. not only because i miss you and you are my favourite human being, but also because of this meal i had today:

in case you don't recognize it, it's ramyun, and that is your favourite meal. i ordered it from a restaurant. if you observe the colour a little closer, you'll see that it is faintly orange. that is because i was able to order it with a slice of process cheese on top. i thought this was just some weird thing that you thought up of all by yourself, but apparently not. fortunately, i melted it before i could thought to take a picture.

i have to go. i have to call our korean uncle. this is my fourth try. the other three times, i tried to speak korean (which failed) so they got what i can only assume is our cousin to translate. i think we're going to try and have dinner later this week. but, you know, i think it's important in this whole getting in touch with my roots thing - because if parents didn't move from korea, that's kind of where we'd be. weird, eh?

i also learned from talking with some other teachers here that our parents were some of the early ones to move from korea - that they were the adventurous ones. that makes me really proud and happy because as much as we've been outsiders because of our ethnicity in stoney creek, but also being so endrenched in Canadian culture because we were born here, our parents were doing big things and who we are is kind of a testament to that.

okay, danny, i love you, and i hope you don't mind being public blog emailed.

-esther

hey keely! i'm in korea!

2008-05-25T07:36:00.003-04:00

Hey Keely!

It's Esther in Korea! It is Sunday morning and it still blows my mind to think that it is at night where you are. I think we might actually get some sun today, which would be really nice.

At this point I think I should tell you that you are the first in a series of experiments: a public blog email. I figure I'll be writing most people the same kind of thing, but people still want to be contacted in a some-what personal manner. So this email that I'm writing will be on my blog as well. Except with pictures and links. I hope you don't mind. You, of course, are certainly not expected to email me back in blog form, or really at all if you don't want to.

Anyway, I've chosen to write to you because you're the first person I specifically thought of while out here looking at stuff. I saw the Great South Gate yesterday, of which I knew nothing about until you. I remember you saying, "Hey, that gate thing burned down," or something like that. Then I said something like "What gate?" "It's like one of the only things to survive the last 600 years. How do you not know about this?" But that, of course, was in my white-washed past. Now I'm in Korea, therefore, very Korean. (ummm....)

Now I've seen it, and I was actually really surprised because I didn't know where it was - I didn't even know it was in Seoul, and I was just in Namdaemun Market, and then I was like "Oh! This is what Keely must have been talking about!" But I guess you heard it from pH, and we all know he's more Korean than I am, but now you are more Korean than me by extension.

Korea's fun so far. I've done a lot of practical shopping in high stress areas like the market. My lack of Korean makes me feel extremely prone to being ripped off, but never the less, it's fun, and the prices I get are never really that bad. My friends here tell me that it's expected that I bargain, but I don't even like doing that in English. And then add the fact that I speak very little Korean. It took me forever just to explain that I wanted a blanket. Then to demand a lower price seems ridiculous, when I can only use hand signs and the price must be written down for me every time. But I got a really good deal on a digital camera! The dude spoke really good English, and it was a display model so I spent like $130 on a 8.1 Megapixel, 3.6 zoom digital camera plus 2GB of memory. Not to my credit though - I just lucked out.

It would be cool to have you here. My apartment screams for your practicality and you always seem to do well with those kinds of things. Plus I think you'd have so much fun in the Market. (That's basically the only thing I've done so far.) And the cheap clothes shopping is plentiful. Today I'm going to Gangnam subway station to shop.

So the internet connection I've been piggy-backing isn't very reliable. Maybe they're figuring out that there seems to be way more computers in the area and are taking the proper precautions. I hope not. Just wait one week until we get our own! This means I'll have to post this email later, and it will neither be Saturday night for you, nor Sunday morning for me when this goes online.

Okay, I'm going to stop writing.

I miss you!

-esther

vlog #3: i can't speak korean

2008-05-24T04:36:00.002-04:00

Next time, I'm going to try to seem more excited about this. When I feel self-conscious, I try to play it cool, but when I'm cool, I look sleepy.

Despite my troubles, I got a digital camera! Which means pictures! I'm so f-ing hi-tech. I think I'll have to get a flickr account. I'm all up in your internet space.

vlog #2: arrived in Seoul

2008-05-22T23:15:00.004-04:00

Okay, guys, here is vlog #2 for realz, this time. I don't like this one for the following three reasons:
1. The background is uninteresting.
2. I don't have a lot to say.
3. My hair's really bad.

That being said, enjoy!

vlog #1: waiting for my rocket to come

2008-05-22T21:40:00.003-04:00

In keeping with YNBS, here is my korean vlog! Not hidden from all of you, but rather displayed for all to see on my blog! Man, I'm bold.

it's time

2008-05-16T17:21:00.004-04:00

It's five days until lift-off. I haven't written since then, because I have been doing NOTHING. Whenever a holiday comes along, I, inevitably, end up incredibly indolent.* I love being busy, but, more than that, I hate being not-busy, so I save the things I have to do, then I end up forgetting to do them or doing them at the last minute. Like packing. Or learning Korean. Or writing in my blog.

Anyway, in the spirit of Not Being Shy, I think I'm going to put up a video blog - because what could be more outgoing and possibly embarrassing than putting videos of myself on the internet? I hope to document my trip with blogs and emails.** † However, as much as I wish to be very insightful on my cultural confrontation and to be seeing lots of interesting things on my trip (which will be relayed to you by the camera I'm going to buy once I get to Korea), I make no promises. There is no guarantee for quality or quantity for the next three months.

I'm not sure how I feel about the whole thing. There's been a lot of waiting, and I think I have run out of excited. Plus, I have no idea what Korea will be like. All the websites and travel books seem to tell me is how different that place is, so it's hard to maintain excitement for something that is no more than an abstraction to me. I am excited about meeting up with Christopher Crazypants in Vancouver during my layover because 1. It's been such a long time since I've seen him; and 2. I have a good idea of what it will be like (i.e. awesome).

But here's what I know about Korea so far:
1. I'm going to Seoul, a city of a population of 20 million people. An old friend that I don't speak to anymore once wrote this to me: "You [are] one in a million. Which means there are about 8 of you in NYC." It follow that there are about 20 of me in Seoul. Damn.
2. Readers of TIME magazine voted Rain as the most influential person in 2007, and third most influential person in 2008. I'd never heard of Rain until The Colbert Report. K-pop is apparently really big.
3. On the streets in Seoul, the numbers don't go in order. You need a map to get anywhere.
4. They have musical theatre in Korea! Evil Dead:The Musical recently moved there with an apparently K-pop-ish take on it. And they have tons of it, and it's good! Like Sweeney Todd and The Producers, along with some of their own wordless, funny, Taekwon-do musicals like Jump.
5. The biggest church in the world is in Korea.
6. Karaoke.

We'll see how my ideas get fleshed out and how my assumptions will be knocked down. Wish me luck!

*I first learned this word from a really funny email. It's a long story, that I was going to write, but like so many of my stories, it'll probably end up not as funny as I thought.

**Letters take more than a week to go back and forth, and I'm far too impatient and lazy. I still have two postcards with addresses and stamps on them from about a month ago to Sue and Lisa, but I haven't had the time to write something on them and put them in the mail. Add this to the list of things I haven't done. However, if you would like mail, email me your mailing address.

†Danny's lending me his laptop for Korea. He's such a good brother.

only on my two thousandth coffee

2008-04-27T14:29:00.002-04:00

This blog is in response to this one, by one of my favourite bloggers, LtK. She just moved to a new city, in a new country, away from a church she loved and felt loved at (incidentally, the church I went to as well), and started to look for a new church.

I found this blog particularly interesting because I've been experiencing something similar. I haven't moved to another country - in fact, I haven't even left the province. I'm just an hour's drive away from Toronto, but having finished my degree and going to another school and moving, I just felt like it was time to find another church. I wanted to be at a church near where I live so I could actively be involved in the community.

That was two years ago. Since then, I've been to at least seven different churches. Many different kinds of services, but mainly I've been looking for words like "youth" and "contemporary worship." I joke that I've become a church hopper, but I feel less like an adventurous nomad but more like an intrusive couch-crasher. LtK talks of standing around awkwardly, waiting for someone to talk to you, which I certainly relate to*. But more than that, I feel like I'm always standing on the outside, first of all, watching how the people treat each other, and secondly, I find myself critically observing the worship and service, not willing to buy into anything completely. After going to the same church for four years, it's hard for me to accept anything that's not exactly the same.

But I forget that God is in all these places, and He can't fit into the single church model I've made in my mind. It's really me that's far too limited to be able to fit into these other churches. On one hand, it's wonderful to see different people pursue God, but on the other, I feel really alone because I can't seem to find someone to relate to.

I'm going to Korea on the 21st of May, so the Church Search will be temporarily put to rest. I'm looking forward to seeing how Koreans do church.

*I think I've been too afraid of awkwardness. Awkwardness has become the gauge of acceptable social behaviour. Just don't get awkward and anything else you do is fine.

an infinitely-sided die would be a sphere

2008-04-20T22:01:00.004-04:00

As a kid, I sporadically watched Ready Or Not*. Never regularly - it was hard for me to pin down when it actually showed, but these two episodes stuck in my mind. The first was an episode about a black boy working for Busy's father, and Busy's father being racist and and stupid. My conclusion: Some people are racist and stupid.

The next episode I remember... Maybe it was just a piece of an episode, but I remember Busy going to some prom and her and her dad having a beautiful father-daughter moment. And, honestly, I was confused. Isn't this the racist dad? How can he be loving when he's so prejudiced?

Now, I'm not saying Ready Or Not is wonderful TV, way ahead of its time, but even now, it's hard for me to watch TV and buy that someone can do a really bad thing and still be good. Now, we have tons of TV and film where we justify the bad things that people do (murder, theft, adultery), so we don't think they're bad anymore, but we don't usually show that people can love people so well, and then hate for unacceptable reasons.

I don't think I like to see hypocrites because they're hard to understand.

I'm coming to a point in my life where there are people I don't like. For these people, I'm so willing to write off every good thing they do as attention-seeking or fake or needy. Also, for the people I like, I can't deal with the things they do that are bad - I justify them, so I can continue liking them. But then my own beliefs get muddled. It's too hard for me to allow people to have more than one side.

Maybe things will be easier once I come to terms with my culture.

*I read earlier today in a book called Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex? that studies have shown that television doesn't actually rot your brain. In fact, children who watch TV from an early age have the same or greater aptitude for learning, as compared to those who don't.

i love blogs

2008-03-21T15:44:00.003-04:00

Happy Good Friday, everyone! This Good Friday, I'm trying to refresh my memory on who I am. But, instead, I find myself reading peoples' blogs, and I just want to say to all you bloggers - Thank you for blogging. Thank you for being so honest on this great public forum. They kind of remind me of what it's like to be human sometimes - whether you're a knitter in Holland, or a bride in North Carolina, or a(n) university kid figuring out his artistic self-expression, or a new mother in Montreal, I find so much of myself reflected in your words - and, yet, I also find a very humbling feeling of how limited my own experience is.

Have a happy Easter, my friends! May we all realize the fullness of life (and then blog about it)!

rash decision

2008-03-06T21:45:00.002-05:00

So as a result of a very intense acting tutorial, I've decided to go to Korea for the summer to teach English. I've found a job, and I'm currently in the process of getting all the paperwork done. Cool, eh? Maybe not, we'll see. I bet it will be a blog-worthy experience.

little mermaid vs. saw

2008-02-28T11:01:00.006-05:00

I'm watching The Little Mermaid for the first time in a long time, and it just struck me how terrifying the Les Poissons scene actually is. If those fish are actually people, than having them decapitated and fried and stuffed...

As a generation raised on Disney, I'm surprised that most of us aren't vegetarians.

my name is esther and i'm korean*

2008-02-24T08:57:00.003-05:00

As YNBS progresses, I'm finding out how limited I am. Shyness is funny - it actually hides your other faults: your severe lack of tact and eloquence, your bitterness and judgement, your pretentiousness, et cetera.

On Friday, a teacher suggested that much of my difficulty with acting may be rooted in my denial of my Korean-ness. If I can't be myself, how can I know how to be someone else? I argued that I wasn't really Korean because I don't speak Korean, have Korean friends, or eat a lot of Korean food (He scoffed at this one). His point was that it was certainly a part of me, my blood, my family, and to deny it is putting myself in tension. "You think everyone else is racist? You should listen to yourself."

And it's true. It's gut-wrenchingly, fall-down-on-the-floor-crying-ly true. If someone asked me what I liked about being Korean, the list would be very short. I mean, I'm proud of my accomplishments, but I hate how my piano playing, taekwon-do black belt, engineering degree and general consciousness make me a stereotype. So I've pushed away anything Korean.

How can I live like that? Everyone can see that I am not white, but I've been trying to deny it, and perhaps, missing out on some major clues about who I am.

I watched Mulan last night, and balled.** In some ways, I'm so that girl trying to figure out how she fits into the world, but, as a Korean-Canadian, I don't have to fight against my culture.

I wrestled the angel for more than a name.
-"Twenty-Four" by Swichfoot

*You may have noticed that I usually talk about being Asian, rather than Korean - Oh no, that would be too revealing. I make "Asian" jokes. I make generalizations about an entire continent rather than one country.
**Damn you, Disney. For all your corporate power, you can still tell a good story.

hopeful romantic

2008-01-13T22:31:00.000-05:00

I met my friend's mom, the other day. To my surprise, when she heard my name she said, "Oh. Yes. I've read your blog. You're a romantic." Cool. I feel famous. But am I a romantic? And furthermore, she thought I was a romantic from reading my blog? Someone last semester told me that I was the most sarcastic, negative person they had ever met, and certainly I realize that this blog doesn't do anything to disprove that statement.*

And despite my great sense of vitriol, I believe that I am a romantic. I want to fall in love and go to Paris. OR come back from Paris with a makeover and have the man that has ignored me my whole life suddenly think I'm hot.† I mean, who doesn't?

Of course, the "I mean, who doesn't?" arguement doesn't necessarily mean that this romanticism is healthy. I feel like I have been almost obsessive over this idea. I also feel like maybe I have been subconsciously waiting for the day my life turns into a romantic comedy and then I'll be completely fufilled. Until then, it's fine if I'm a little down.

O Israel, put your hope in the LORD
both now and forevermore.‡

I think I have misplaced my hope. And this is probably just as well, because the Lord is very near, and Paul Rudd is... not, and the Lord is ever constant, and Paul Rudd gains weight everytime I see him in a movie.

This Year of Not Being Shy thing is important and good for me. But my boldness should be the boldness in Christ, not the desperation for friends or romance.

I'm still so young and confused.

*I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize to and thank everyone who reads this blog. I am usually in a certain mood when I blog, so I really appreciate having people listen/read.
†Of course, I'm referencing Sabrina. Watch the old one. It's better.
‡Psalm 131:3

thought of the day

2008-01-07T19:44:00.000-05:00

Empathy is just creative selfishness.

Discuss.

2008: YNBS

2007-12-31T14:52:00.000-05:00

Happy New Years, my friends! In nine hours, we'll all welcome 2008 with singing, probably drinking, and friends. And to prepare, I have fallen into my usual year-end introspect.* Remember 2007: Year Without Fear? Well, a couple weeks ago, I was determined to find another year-long experiment, since 2007:YWF was so fruitful, and also, I feel like I've been falling asleep at the wheel - you know what I mean? I want to be conscious of the choices I make, and not pull into my driveway wondering where the last hour of my life went.

So, this year, I declare 2008: Year of Not Being Shy. It's not very catchy, I realize, but everything else I thought of would sacrifice meaning or sounded so lame I wanted to throw up. 2008:YNBS is about not hiding from people. I'm really shy, friends! I'm so worried about what people, especially new people think of me, that I forget to love them or I forget to pursue who I want to be. It takes me a long time to become friends with people because I'm always terrified of becoming overbearing or annoying. And this is just a trivial example, but on Facebook, I won't add people as friends - I'll only accept Friend Requests.

Also, I want to be a performer, but I am so ashamed to admit it. It's one of those tensions I was talking about. How can I want everyone to look at me and want everyone to not look at me at the same time? How can I want to be heard, but mumble when people are listening? Why would I publish a blog, and cringe whenever someone found out? Why would I post songs on MySpace, but never mention it to anyone? Well, obviously I'm afraid. But enough of that.

This year, I'm going to overcompensate. This afternoon, I changed my Facebook profile to say more about myself, honestly, I did it with chattering teeth.† There are so many things on that profile that I didn't put in because I was uber conscious of the image I was portraying. Of course, I'd like to pretend that I was creating a mystique, but what good is mystique if no one can get through?

Here's to the New Year! I hope this works out. I'll just be happy if I come out of this year with better diction.

*Not to be confused with my beginning-of-the-year introspect or summer introspect or any-other-time introspect.

† Most of the people I really expect never say anything about themselves on the internet, which I think is cool and wise. However, I don't think they have my crippling fear of social vulnerability. As a general disclaimer, I'd like to say that the examples I'm giving don't necessarily indicate my brand of reclusion. In fact, my brand of reclusion has been specially crafted to imitate confidence!

tension

2007-12-16T23:46:00.000-05:00

I used to take this class called CIV102. It was an introduction to bridges taught by this New Zealand professor who loved bridges. For some reason, something that was hard for me to wrap my head around was the idea of tension. I don't really know why. If something is being pulled in two different directions (or in one direction, but held by something stationary, so if you think about reaction force, I guess, it's the same). But in the questions, we never actually talked about how that force was being taken care of - we talked about stretching, and tension limits, but what is actually going on in that material to transfer force.

So, of course, this is a metaphor, right? My dad told me a couple weeks ago that, like guitar strings, people need to be under tension in order to make music, but recently, I find myself stretched in too many directions.* It's already hard to be a good friend, but it's even harder to be a friend to more than one person. And then, of course, there's the question of the limits of your resources, and then "doing the right thing" becomes a more complicated issue. Selflessness is good, but if you can't actually do it, maybe you shouldn't even try, because if you do try and do a selfless act, and aren't actually selfless, you'll end up bitter and angry or sad and unappreciated. Maybe there should be a rating on good deeds before you do them - like a ski hill, that way you'll know what you're getting into and can decide whether you're up for it. There can be the bunny hills where the task is easy to do and you gain from it too. Next level would be something hard, but it makes you feel really good to do it, and you're very appreciated. The black diamonds would be hard things that are not remotely fun and no one notices.

How do you practice?

*If I was stretched in every direction, I would be under pressure, right?

certainly not

2007-12-11T18:46:00.000-05:00

So I'm really running out of money. I figure maybe I'll get a job. So I print off a bunch of resumes and go to the mall. Right now, I should mention that I HATE job hunting. I'm really not good at it. Today I likened handing out resumes at the mall to speed dating to a bunch of people who don't really like you.* It's like half-hearted rejection after half-hearted rejection. Not to mention the fact that you secretly think that you're above this whole thing because you have an engineering degree that you worked hard for. Shouldn't getting a job just follow through?

But, of course, that's a secret. I'm certainly not snobbish enough to think that I should have it easy, because, surely, better people than me have had worse jobs. When my dad came to Canada, he mopped floors, when he had a veterinary degree. I'm certainly not proud enough to think that when situations like that occur everyday, I shouldn't have to work under some kid in high school.

Certainly not.

Unfortunately, being as young as I am, these things still get to me. Even as I forsake my engineering degree, I expect it to still work for me.** And I really believe that I could do these jobs, but I don't like putting myself out there to be evaluated, especially when so often it's so unfruitful. And sometimes, when it is fruitful, I don't even like the job. It's like dating (from my limited understanding).

As proven by the preceding, I'm a very level-headed, positive individual. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me. I look forward to meeting you in person.†

*I have never gone speed dating, but if it's anything like handing out resumes at a mall...
**Metaphor alert!
† Imagine if this blog entry was my cover letter!

hell semester 2: this time it's personal

2007-12-07T23:43:00.000-05:00

I'm closing off the first semester of my second year at Sheridan's music theatre program, that which is commonly referred to as "hell semester": a dance critique, an acting critique, plus a full class load equals lots of blood, sweat, and tears. This isn't the first time I've heard the phrase "hell semester" however. Similarly, in my second semester of my second year we had a hell semester: classes, labs, tutorials, plus a design project. This time, however, I feel more bare, more exposed. A bad mark in school now may mean less in academic terms, but when it's an evaluation of your performance, it seems way too hard to separate the work from the worker.

This weird deja vu has got me into that "where am I going?" thinking again. Sometimes I catch myself thinking that I could have a Master's degree by now. But then again, that's a lie: I never had any intention of going to grad school, and if I did, I probably wouldn't be done it by now. The idea of alternate lives is really interesting, but I doubt things would be much different than they are. I mean, 1. Now that I'm here, there doesn't really seem to be any other place I could be, right now, except for Sheridan; and 2. Coming here wasn't a split decision. Even if it ever seemed like it, that split decision is the result of all the experiences preceding it. Maybe I could be in teacher's college, but I'd probably be doing the same existential angst thing I'm so good at.

If I went to teacher's college, I'd be a teacher right now. Weird. Maybe things could be way different.

dream of the day: community

2007-10-27T11:01:00.000-04:00

I had this week off. It was awesome. I've been talking to a lot of different friends and family, and the theme of conversation this week seems to be (sorry, I wish I was more original) boys. I'm sure that many of you have already examined and discussed the ins and outs of romantic relationships, so I won't go there. What I will say is this: The more I interact with my friends and bemoan my current singleness, the less it bothers me. For me, I think that what I crave about having a boyfriend is having an intimate community - one where it is acceptable and expected to share your life.

I mean, of course, it's more than that. Of course, there's something special and wonderful about romance. But many of us don't speak to our neighbours, so our friends are physically so far from us. Many of us only have a few people, if any, that they can share their lives with. And even then we tend to hole up with those people, mistaking exclusivity for closeness.

Another interesting and unrelated thought I had about community: Do you notice that much of fair trade and organic stuff is marketed to an urban market? People talk about feeling so alone in a big city, but in Toronto, I felt there was some sort of community: a big group of people sharing the same restaurants and parks. And with that kind of superficial understanding of community, maybe urbanites are more capable of understanding global community.

Or maybe I'm wrong. I'm a small person with a small world.

good with stories

2007-10-22T09:24:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I had a converstaion that went something like this:

"I'm not really good with names."
"Yeah, me neither. I'm really good with faces. Are you like
that?"
"Well... no."
"So you're not good with names or faces? So how do you remember people?"
"I good at remembering stories."

So generally, I think this makes me a seem like an inconsiderate person, and obviously if someone sits down to tell a story, anyone would probably remember it. But as I slowly learn to act and furthermore, as I slowly learn to be human, it seems like stories are the most important things. That is when a face becomes interesting and a name becomes powerful.

In plays, characters can be played by any actor, but the background, the reasons, the needs (i.e. the story) are what's important and interesting. Today, I'm going to be fleshing out 6 different characters. Not real people, but somehow, it still seems like their stories, however outlandish, deserve to be told. Everything must be linked to truth. That is my philosophy for the moment.

worried and upset about many things

2007-10-18T09:45:00.000-04:00

So, I'm a worrier. I worry about school: whether I can do school, whether I deserve to be there, whether I'm actually getting better, whether I'm working hard enough, etc.

I worry about life after school: What am I going to do once it's over? What if I run out of ideas and can't be an artist? What if I run out of money? What if I decide I want to be an engineer and no one wants to hire me?

I worry about myself: Am I where I'm supposed to be? Am I being true to myself? Am I overlooking a major character flaw that will eventually lead to my demise?

"...but only one thing is needed."*

"The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love."**

I'm not really sure of the true implications of this. What? Am I supposed to just drop everything?

maybe.

*Luke 10:42
**Galatians 5:6

you mean, i can do a combination, too? okay, this'll take a second

2007-10-09T21:32:00.000-04:00

You know, when you're in line to choose an ice cream flavour, and then you suddenly find out that you can choose more than one? This both inspires me and confuses me. With all these possibilities, what am I supposed to do with my life?

in between panic and possibility

2007-10-07T19:34:00.001-04:00

Does anyone read this? Maybe I'll say something really offensive and controversial to find out. Or just misspell. That seems to get enough of my friends riled up.

So the adventure of music theatre school continues. This semester we take a clown class.* Clown is a little different than most people know. It's not necessarily creepy, invasive people in lots of make-up at circuses. As far as I can tell, it's a mostly comedic form of theatre that, for me, is very different because, in class, we're supposed to keep eye contact with the audience all the time. That seems to be the source of inspiration. So, in class, we go up in front of everyone, and Mimi Mekler will either just let us stand there until we find something to do, or ask us to do impossible things (like jump down without jumping up) or ask us questions (that we usually have to answer non-verbally) or whatever. In my turn, for some reason, I went up and I started to cry.

So I present these questions to the jury:
(1) Is this okay?
(2) Is this entertaining?

Concerning (1), I'm getting used to crying. I guess with all art, it's important to be honest. And when you yourself is the art, one must be prepared to let real things happen - whether that's laughing, getting angry, crying, or maybe even nothing at all. And since, this is all new to me, I suppose I was unprepared for the emotional onslaught (maybe?). Maybe that reasoning is flawed. Either way, I have been, just recently, becoming more okay with crying. By avoiding being upset about being upset, I am removing a secondary level of being upset. Hurray!

So I guess the question is why did I cry in the first place? Now, without delving too far, psychologically, I was just scared of everyone. When Mimi first started the class, she said that in clown you want to always be between panic and possibility. I kind of like that. I think if I expand this to life, that is true too. I mean, where would I be if I wasn't desperately searching for something else to do when I graduated from U of T? Maybe panic isn't the greatest thing, but if it can inspire you, if it can stop you from thinking and trying, maybe it's okay.

Concerning (2), I suppose I cannot really answer that, but I will publish my suspicions. I doubt that the crying itself was entertaining, just as pure panic is not entertaining. The whatever follows and the whatever leading up seems to be the stuff.

But then again, what do I know?

:)

*So, yes, I am in college and taking clown.

i've lost 10i pounds, where i^2=(-1)

2007-07-19T11:36:00.000-04:00

For those of you unfamiliar with complex math*, the title of this blog basically indicates that I have lost 10 imaginary pounds. I feel great! I should be featured in a weight-loss program's commercial! And the "before" shot will be some horrible candid snapshot of me holding a tub of ice cream and wearing fat clothes† and no make-up, and the "after" shot will be me in professional lighting and full make-up and hair, smiling because I have lost weight and am, therefore, happy.

There is, of course, a story behind this. I usually weigh myself when I go to the gym, which I haven't really done for about a month. Also, at home, we have a scale which we keep in the bathroom. Now, for whatever reason, the scale was moved downstairs, so consequently, I never weighed myself. Now, the other day, I was downstairs anyway, so I decided to step on and see how I was doing. The basement right now is in disarray due to my parents' new business endeavor, but I managed to step on and get a reading.

I should preface this with the fact that for the last six years or so, I have weighed x pounds‡, which is fine, but I always thought (while waiting in line at the nearest Taco Bell) that it would be nice to be lighter.

Well, when I stepped on the scale, I was, lo and behold, not x pounds, but (x-10) pounds! I had lost 10 pounds!

"How could you believe this?" you ask. "Didn't you just admit that you haven't been to the gym in a really long time."

"Well," I answer, defensively, "In these last months, I have been less stressed and eating less! Plus, in that day, I hadn't eaten very much because I was sick."

So I was checking myself out in the mirror (You all do it, admit it.) and I could have sworn I looked skinnier! I could have sworn my belly was sticking out less and my butt was smaller.

Anyway, you guys know how this long-winded story ends. I eventually stepped on a better scale (At the gym, incidentally. I had decided to top off the 10 pound loss with another few pounds.) and found that I was once again x pounds. The scale I stepped on in the basement was on a cushion and it didn't occur to me that a machine that uses the pressure applied to it to measure weight would be affected by a cushion underneath it.

Anyway, I guess the point of this all is just how much better I could feel thinking that I've lost weight, how proud I could be of myself, even when I didn't do anything. Funny, eh? I wonder what would happen if I actually lost weight. I'm not going to say anything, but there might be balloons... and cake.

*I remember learning about imaginary numbers in high school and thinking, "Pshaw! Like this will have any practical application!" This is a testament to both my lack of foresight and nerdiness.

†What are fat clothes?! If you don't know what these are, you are probably very skinny and/or a boy. Fat clothes are the clothes that do nothing for your figure and no one is ever supposed to see you in.

‡Where x is some positive real number that will be misleading out of context. Ask me if you want, but I'd rather you guess, which people are usually afraid to do.

existential angst

2007-06-13T22:32:00.000-04:00

This weekend, I had the opportunity to hang out with two of my favourite cousins. We were watching Korean soap operas and doing laundry and here was an almost-40-year-old mother-of-two, an almost-30-year-old new mother, and me, the token 20-something. And it was cool, because I've known these wonderful women since I was born, and suddenly, it's like I can finally talk to them and understand their perspective more than I ever could have before. Not to say that I know what it's like to be a mother or almost-40, but as we asymptotically reach that same age*, I find myself thinking of what it would be to be their age, rather than dismissing it as a time far removed from me.

Anyway, almost-30-year-old new mother said something that struck me. "I'm glad my 20s are almost over. In the 20s, there's too much existential angst." Everyone I know who has turned 30 ended up getting a funky new haircut or a new bf/gf or a new apartment, etc. The point is that they seem to be coping with the end of their 20s rather than celebrating.

So now, in this light, how do I perceive my 20s? I'm still early on, but I am certainly existentially angsty. The 20s are supposed to be a time of new independence and identity! A time to be young and reckless! A time to try new things and be fearless! They're all the same thing, right? We just use different words when it's fun or when it's annoying.

Oy vey. I'm already tired. I wish I was old already.

*I think we should age on a logarithmic scale, where as you get older, you age less. This way we can numerically reflect the fact that a 5-year old is much older than a 4-year old, but a 75-year old is not much older than a 74-year old.

talking in circles

2007-05-28T22:51:00.001-04:00

I had a lovely lunch with lovely Sue today. Cheap sushi and good conversation. We were talking about some big things, and the good thing about Sue is that she understands the complexities of the questions I relate to her. We are both lapsed engineers*, which seems to imply that we enjoy things that are not logical, but also get frustrated by those same things because they are not logical.

For example:

Question: What is good art?
Answer: Good art is redemptive and honest.

Question: How does one make good art?
Answer: Be honest.
But I can be as honest as I want - that still may not result in a good song, for instance.
And even I work hard and put my heart into it, it may not yield anything.

It seems to me that all the questions worth asking are hard to answer, which makes sense I guess - questions go away with answers. I just find myself talking in circles, missing the point a lot, especially here, in this blog. I mean, I know it's entertaining to watch that hamster in the wheel, but for how long?

But what if you relate to that hamster? Then, it's more than entertainment, it's searching. Maybe I'll write a song about it.

This entry didn't really have a point, but I will leave it that way, because it seems appropriate.

*Sue's term.

fitting in

2007-05-09T21:29:00.000-04:00

When I was younger (I won't say how much younger because it might be embarrassing.) I wrote a punk song about how I didn't want to fit in. But as I get older, the more and more I realize that isn't true. I do want to fit in. I think the punk song was more about what I wanted to want, rather than what I actually wanted. Because when you want to fit in, you so often get disappointed, so it's much better just to not want it.

This question has been bouncing around in my brain since the end of the year. I have been to a few different places - U of T, Sheridan, La Pocatiere, high school, Skule Nite, various churches, various classes - and I'm wondering where I actually fit. In high school, I was the smart one, so I went to U of T. At U of T, I was the theatre one, so I went to Sheridan. And now, at Sheridan, I don't know what I am, so I don't know where to go next.

So here's the question: do you fit in where you blend in the most or where you stand out the most? Denise Norman told me that I was unique, which I have heard before, but honestly, hasn't everyone?* But if I am truly unique, maybe I won't blend in anywhere. Maybe the place where I belong is where who I am will be brought to light, and that might be shown by contrast rather than in a context of similar people.

I don't know. Maybe there is no such place.

*Isn't it ironic? Don't you think?

it's funny because it's true

2007-04-24T00:37:00.000-04:00

Those who internet-stalk me will probably notice that I've been telling everyone about this picture. I don't care. I think it's really funny and I can't go to sleep.

every mountain and hill made low

2007-04-23T22:01:00.000-04:00

Today, right after I finished making this speech about how I don't like bad grammar, I said "I speak really good."

Ouch. It seems my God is one of irony.

are you racist?

2007-04-18T21:01:00.000-04:00

I kinda want to write a one of the quizzes you find in teen magazines that are suppossed to tell you whether you're "flirty" or "outrageous", by asking you ten questions. Except, the fact is that the questions are so out there that they just don't mean anything.

I want to do a quiz that figures out whether you're racist. The questions would be equally shallow.

How many friends from visual minorities do you have?
a. Soooo many
b. Like, five
c. One, maybe

Do you like food of different ethinicities?
a. Love it.
b. Like it.
c. Don't like the idea of meat that isn't from a farm, won't eat anything raw, won't eat the feet or brains of anything.

Okay, so I realize that this is a bit offensive, so let me make clear what my point is. These kinds of questions don't really say anything, right? They don't tell me whether you're racist or not. However, embarrassingly often, people will tell me facts like these (i.e. "I have lots of Asian friends." or "Pad thai is my favourite food.") in order to justify themselves.

Fine, if you say you're not racist, I'll believe you, but don't pretend you're not ignorant. Don't pretend that you're not making assumptions about people. Don't pretend that you're not a little uncomfortable with people different than you, if that's the case.

I think that's what irks me about not being white sometimes. I think it's funny that I fill some of the stereotypes, but when anything is assumed about me, even if it's true, it kinda feels like I'm being talked to rather than talked with. And when people talk about "these Asian people" doing this and this, I feel like that's all being added to that glob of assumptions they'll make.

And eventually, when people get to know me, I won't be Asian anymore. I'll be their friend, instead. But even though I don't speak Korean or have Korean friends, this is a part of who I am. But I also don't want to be their "Asian friend" who they use to justify their ignorance.

I'm getting really confused. I'm not mad, but sometimes I get a little upset about stuff like this. I usually laugh because it's funny that some people don't get when they're being a little offensive - but what is it indicative of? Maybe a small I-don't-know-any-better, or maybe it's an ignorance that they won't admit.

And, do you know what? Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm just as guilty. But that doesn't make it better.

es·ther ('es-t&r) -adj.

2007-04-11T22:22:00.000-04:00

Has your name ever been used as an adjective? It seems to happen to me everyone once in a while and I usually love it, but right now, I'm just confused by it.

I mean, I've tried to pin down what people meant - I even tried using esther (-adj). This is me asking a friend an opinion on a shirt:
"What do you think of this?"
"I like it."
"I do too, but I'm not sure it's 'me'."
"... If you like it, then it's you."
"... Oh."

I can't define this word! What does it mean when something is so "esther" and why does everyone else seem to have an idea? I love that people find something about me that merits it's own word, but it's frustrating when I, myself, don't understand its meaning.

When I think about it, I've often made other people's names into adjectives for them. I wonder if they understand their adjective.

"shoulda said"

2007-04-05T19:23:00.000-04:00

There's this really fun improv game that I watched once where you play a scene and every once in a while the director will interrupt and say "shoulda said" and you have to take back what you just said and say something even better.

Wouldn't it be nice if life was like that? If someone watched your conversations and intervened occasionally to make your conversation 10 million times more entertaining? Or maybe not even more entertaining, but a little bit more tactful, a little bit more helpful.

Right now, I keep on rerunning conversations in my head, and trying to make them better - trying to make a different world where people always understand me, always get my jokes. Or maybe being a little off-the-mark sometimes is part of my charm.

Have you ever done something that is so embarrassing that you can't stop thinking about it? I have those moments often.

do you really want to live forever?

2007-03-24T09:04:00.000-04:00

When I said I'd be going to Sheridan College for musical theatre, people were like, "Oh man! It's just like Fame*!" And when we first came to school, people were hyped and ready to work hard to prove that they could "make it in the business."** But now, people are deciding to leave, and it's eye-opening. "You mean, we can leave this place if we want?"

I remember at the end of first year of Eng Sci, and the big question floating around was, "What are you switching into?" So many people left to go into other disciplines after that first year, and more and more as we went into second year. Funny, eh? Both programs are hard, but in Eng Sci, we assumed most people would leave, and here, we can't imagine leaving.

But, here, I guess school is like the realization of a dream. It's the first step before you go out into the real world. And learning that your dream isn't what you thought it was is really serious. And then musical theatre school becomes a safe place - sure, it's hard, but people tell you what to do, and no one's rejecting you yet.

Anyway, if any of you ex-Music Theatre people read this, I wish you well. I hope you find your dreams and chase them. Dear God, I hope the same for myself.

*A show/movie I have yet to see.
**I can't tell you how many times I've heard the phrase "If you're going to make it in the business." It's like the Big Phrase that the teacher know will get us.

what's a little stalking between friends?

2007-03-22T21:18:00.000-04:00

Once, when I was talking about the new, cool Facebook, my grumpy friend replied, "I resent the use of the word 'community' in this context." At the time I said, "Whatever, dude," but as I spend hours and hours on the computer looking at pictures of people I wouldn't even say hello to, I'm beginning to get a bit wary.

I mean, this isn't a new topic. MySpace has been around forever, along with Blogger and Flickr and Friendster, etc, etc, and maybe Facebook isn't as new and wonderful as we think. And, sure, Facebook is a great way to share pictures, exchange little notes. I guess I'm just a little afraid of what this might do to us.

According to Facebook, I have 293 friends. What?! I have 293 friends, yet, I spend almost every evening on the internet? Evidently, we have changed the meaning of "friend." A friend isn't someone you care about and hang out with - a friend is now someone you're willing to show your pictures to.

Are we slowly redefining our social practices based on a website? My homepage will tell me how your relationship status changed when I'm hardly willing to email you.

I know why we do it. We're all constantly waiting for someone to notice us, and now, we get to advertise. We all want to feel connected to people, and we can do that by looking at all the pictures they're in. But when does it start becoming a replacement for true friendships and real community?

Maybe I'm just lonely.*

*Just joking. Don't feel sorry for me.

endorphins or self-righteousness

2007-03-14T22:38:00.000-04:00

Whenever I feel crappy, people always suggest that I go to the gym.
"The endorphin rush, man! You'll feel so much better!"

Now, I don't need to tell you yet again how much I don't like exercise, but as my New Year's resolution is to go the the gym once a week (I know. Very ambitious.), I have been using any kind of mental trick to get myself there. So after berating and guilting myself, I'm willing to try and believe that going to the gym will make me happy.

And do you know what? I do feel good leaving the gym, but I don't think it has anything to do with endorphins. I think it's just that I feel like I'm better than everyone else. When people see me with my smelly gym bag*, I think "Yup. I'm coming from the GYM. Where are you coming from? Oh wait, sorry. I couldn't hear you. I guess my ears are just too attuned to the whirring of the elliptical machine that I was on for the last half-hour."

You know, it's probably easier to say it was the endorphins, eh?

*The smelly gym bag is probably the only proof that I went to the gym at all. I mean, I'm not about to pull a Hans-and-Frans-style "Where's the beach?" to show off my barely-defined arms.

bedtime brain-dead

2007-03-05T22:53:00.000-05:00

This morning I thought of a really cool thing to write on my blog. "Yeah!" I said to myself, "That's hilarious, insightful, and interesting. You should really write that down."

Of course, I didn't and I am bedtime brain-dead. I'm trying to say something here, but I have run out of things to say - in school, we're always communicating something, anything: just emptying our hearts hoping we get something back. And now, when I want to just say a few words to the people who care to read my blog*, I'm lacking. I have nothing to say besides witty comebacks and inside jokes, which is awesome for ear training class, but less-than-awesome when you want to be a current culture relevant artist, or even just an interesting blogger.

*Someone found my blog, and I expressed my great shame at having one. I mean, how lame is it to make yourself vulnerable in a public forum? Maybe not so lame.
"This is my song for the asking." -Paul Simon

i want to be old and wise

2007-02-26T12:17:00.000-05:00

I no longer want to be young and silly, but rather: old, sensible, and wise. Perhaps a total lack of sense would give me the desired result, but as it stands, it is impossible for me to be foolish without realizing it, regretting it, and being totally confused.

So I guess I am very young and very silly.

As it stands, my understanding of everything just must be kind of shallow. I think I want to be silly, but what I really want and need is the very wise, in-depth understanding of when it's okay to let go, so I can actually do it.

Quote of the day: "I'm just worried I won't get to relax this week." God help me.

"i want to be young and silly"

2007-02-23T18:58:00.000-05:00

Ever see that episode of Dead Like Me, in the not-as-good-as-the-first-season second season, where George gets all mad at Inigo Montoya for her being dead at the beginning of the episode? Anyway, she says to Inigo "I want to be young and silly," and then sometime after, Inigo says "You are."

Okay, so I realize that obscure quotes aren't usually very effective unless someone, anyone at all, knows what you're talking about. But my life and thoughts, although original in their way, seem to be a collection of experiences and pop culture.* So excuse me for these ambiguous quotes from short-lived tv shows.

Coming back to the point, I want to be young and silly. I want to be able to let go of all this "sense" I have. Often, I find my reason and my emotions at battle with each other, and it's a little annoying when you're crying, and while you know why you're crying, it doesn't seem very reasonable to do so (knowing things like "You wanted a challenge" and "There are bigger problems in the world" and the ever powerful "It's no big deal").

I want to be able to be totally ridiculous and be in a scene where I'm sexy and forget about the fact that I'm so embarrased and actually just have pure, unadulterated fun.

Damn it. Why do I have to be so mature and reasonable?

*I tried writing a song the other day. The hardest thing is to try and make something new, but I quickly found myself sampling from songs I knew, which was totally interesting. It's like it was a ransom letter - using cut-outs from different contexts and make them say what you mean.

writer's blocked

2007-02-18T10:04:00.000-05:00

It's Sunday. Breathe.

You know, I never really meant to make this blog a place where I obligingly update the internet about my life. I always meant it as an outlet for the thoughts bubbling over the top. I kind of feel like I am running out of things to say.

Scary.

My life is simple nowadays - school, then school, then more school. For the end of the year, we have to choreograph and perform a dance piece to any song that we want as long as it is 2-4 minutes long. To be honest, I don't think I've ever danced a piece longer than 2 minutes, let along choreograph. I'm totally intimidated, but more than anything, I'm afraid that maybe I don't have enough to say in order to do something meaningful. I want the piece to be a story that's real to me, but, hello, dancing isn't exactly my strength.

I want to make art. I want to write songs that speak truth. I want to write plays that inspire. I want to choreograph meaningful stories. But maybe the question is why.

How does God choose his prophets?

whoever said it was a small world?

2007-01-21T23:04:00.000-05:00

People! I have spent the last three hours simply Googling my teachers at Sheridan. I never realized how ignorant I was of everything! There is SO much music out there! And just by searching out four of my teachers, I'm beginning to see that music is a ridiculously large and diverse place.

Okay, look. This is the guy that teaches me Ear Training (and I mean, do-re-mi-so-la Ear Training. That's right. We're still on the pentatonic scale.). And, I should warn you. It's experimental jazz. Really weird, really cool. I mean, the computer is his instrument.

This guy accompanied me on You Oughta Know.

And, last, but not least, the man I refer to as Cool Peter, who helped me rock This Love (Maroon 5).

These guys are ridiculously awesome. They seem to work a lot, yet they're all taking jobs like playing for ignorant college kids like me in their karoake class (i.e. pop performance class). And not only that, they are all just a few of so many artists out there. Follow the cybertrail, and you'll find MySpace after MySpace of talented, talented people, all around Toronto.

I don't know. Is this a problem? I don't go out very often to see live music because I don't have the time or necessarily the money, but we're living in a place where talented, brilliant people are spending a lot of time being less-than-brilliant in order to get by. Weird.

Side note: For every name I googled, I got some PhD's website of the same name. It seems like the internet has turned into a place for intellectuals and artists. Interesting parallel.

word of the day: vitriolic

2007-01-12T19:19:00.000-05:00

I've recently been accused of being vitriolic. I don't know what that was, so I, first, got very offended then figured out what it meant. He said this in reference to my Strong Sad-type self-deprecating, isn't-it-sad-that-I-don't-have-a-boyfriend kinds of jokes, and he gave me a definition, saying it was a synonym for acidic, but I'm unsure I believe him.

Here's what m-w.com says.

Main Entry: vit·ri·ol
Pronunciation: 'vi-trE-&l
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French vitriole, from Medieval Latin vitriolum, alteration of Late Latin vitreolum, neuter of vitreolus glassy, from Latin vitreus vitreous
1 a : a sulfate of any of various metals (as copper, iron, or zinc); especially : a glassy hydrate of such a sulfate b : OIL OF VITRIOL
2 : something felt to resemble vitriol especially in caustic quality; especially : virulence of feeling or of speech
- vit·ri·ol·ic /"vi-trE-'ä-lik/ adjective

Okay, so I still don't know what it meant. Assuming that I take the second definition, what does virulence mean?

Main Entry: vir·u·lence
Pronunciation: 'vir-&-l&n(t)s, 'vir-y&-
Function: noun
: the quality or state of being virulent : as a : extreme bitterness or malignity of temper : RANCOR b : MALIGNANCY, VENOMOUSNESS virulence of a disease> c : the relative capacity of a pathogen to overcome body defenses

So let's take 'a' as the relevant entry.

*gasp*! How dare he call me vitriolic! I'm not bitter. Am I? 50 angst-y blogs later, I'm afraid that maybe I'll have to concede. This sucks. I don't want to be bitter.

PLUS, the other day, someone else told me that I worry too much about what people think about me, and it bothered me for days that he thought that about me. Funny, eh? I'm laughing (finally).

So obviously, these are things that I have to change. Way to start the year. So here are the New Year's resolutions*:

1. Not care what people think. Hopefully, this will make people like me more.
2. Stop lying. Start by losing weight so that I'll be the weight I claim to be. After that, I can continue to lie, because skinny people can do whatever they want. (Just joking. Actually, this whole resolution is a joke. I thought it was funny.)
3. I need to find joy, and I think this will come with a better spiritual life. You know, I was joking with all the vitriolic stuff that I say, and I do believe that if I'm feeling it, I should talk about it, and why not in joke form? ... BUT it would be nice if I didn't have this poison (vitriol, if you will) in me at all.**

No name for this year, yet. Year of Joy? Year without Vitriol? Not as catchy, I know. We'll see how it goes.

*I've heard many people say that they "don't believe in New Year's resolutions". Well, fine. Maybe the idea of changing yourself because of the date is contrived, but at least it's part of one's constant effort to self-improvement. The gyms may be crowded now, but at least people are going, and maybe some of them will keep on going in February. Let's not mock their efforts, jerks.

** Even if it makes you sing You Oughta Know really well.

the end of 2006: year without fear

2006-12-28T11:56:00.000-05:00

It is three days from the end of the year 2006 -- the year I so boldly declared would be the Year Without Fear. And let me say, that I think this little experiment worked.

My friend, Finer, wrote a lovely little note on Facebook comparing this December with December 2002. He, like me, is an Eng Sci deserter. After going through the 4 years of hell, we decided to not reap the rewards of our labour and decided to do something else. Me, I went to study musical theatre, and Finer, he went to study political science. And he's happy! He took a step into the great unknown, and is happy. And if you don't know Finer, this is something very strange. Four years of Eng Sci honed his complaining skills, which are now going into essays about political conflict and such.

To be honest, I forgot about this whole Year Without Fear thing for the last couple months, but it was going strong until August. Then school started and then I just kept doing new things, which adheres the Year Without Fear rules*, just unconsciously. But before that it would be like, "Should I do this? Why not!? It's the Year Without Fear!" I know I'm a nerd.

But see what it led to! I'm at Sheridan College! Meaning I auditioned for Sheridan College (among other places, with less fruitful results). Funny story, Mimi Mekler, after one very intense class, told me that in my audition, I was fearless, which is why they wanted me. Cool, eh? The overstretching implications of this Year Without Fear.

And in terms of people, Year Without Fear worked less, I think. School ended, I moved, so a lot of connections were severed. I miss people a lot. I miss my Eng Sci bunch, my church lunchers, my common room dwellers, my Living Room.** But on the other hand, I spent the summer just reaching out to friends, and I even was bold enough to date a boy.

Anyway, I think today I was able to end Year Without Fear with a very brave action. It didn't end well, but I'm sure it was brave, and I'm glad I did it.

Today is Old Year's Day for me. Happy Old Year, everyone!

*There weren't real rules. I mean, I didn't write then down or anything, but if I was to they'd be like this:
1. Don't act in fear.
2. Don't not act in fear.

**If any of you are reading this, drop me an email. I'd love to get together.

"i wonder how many blogs that will show up on," says danny

2006-12-27T11:00:00.000-05:00

not the shiniest wrench in the toolbox

2006-12-19T00:42:00.000-05:00

Only Christians talk about being tools and being used like it's a good thing. But it's not like we're excited about being used by just anyone.

What is it, though? Why, when God has these mighty hands, would he choose to use broken marionettes?

I wrote and performed this piece for a church service that I attended these last few months. It's the first time I've really seriously acted in front of people (Skule Nite isn't serious acting, folks), and to be honest, I think I did horribly. I know I could have acted so much better. I know I was nervous. I know that I probably played the jokes up a little too much. At the end, I was so upset at myself. I guess I kind of expected it to be miraculous, because it was in a church (and I know that's unreasonable), and I felt a little cheated.

But it doesn't matter. If it's good, that could make it better for me and better for the audience, but for God, it just is what it is. And while nothing is good enough, all things are redeemed.

I want to be a good actor, and I think that we should never be content with mediocrity. But I also think that maybe we shouldn't look at our insufficiencies as disappointing failures to God, but as daring challenges from God.

i'm up too early

2006-12-15T08:00:00.000-05:00

Every year after exams I'd always have this problem. I'd be all "Yeah! I'm done! I'm going to sleep all day!" and inevitably, I'd wake up early the next day. Even though I do sleep in on weekends, it takes a little longer for my body to realize that holidays have begun.

I'm just about finished my first term at Sheridan College's Music Theatre Performance program.

"Are you being transformed?" Danny asked me in the car yesterday.
"...yeah, I think so. It's more like things are being unlocked inside me."

Seriously, guys. What I'm doing is ridiculous. Do you remember what I was talking about a year ago? Flip through some of the November entries. I was looking for a job, applying to teacher's college, and shyly alluding to my quiet ambitions. Watch out, guys. The next entries are going to be MAJOR reflections. It's that time of year.

news flash!

2006-12-11T09:56:00.000-05:00

Guys! I think I'm growing up! I spent a whole day with dear Little Lisa, and something was different than before. Have you ever watched that Looney Toons cartoon where there's a big bulldog and there's a little scrappy dog that's hopping around asking questions? Of course, the cartoon proceeds to the confusion of a wildcat and a tiny kitty, and of course, the big dog always tries to get the wildcat and comedy ensues, because the little dog only sees the tiny kitty and thinks that the big dog is being a wuss.

Anyway, I always got a little bit of that feeling around Lisa before. Not that we weren't good friends, because we were; and not that I couldn't confide in her and have good conversation, because I could. I think I'm just getting a little more comfortable with myself. Cool, eh? Take that, awkwardness!

dream of the day: to have a christmas special

2006-12-04T22:36:00.000-05:00

I'd love to have a cheesy variety show with guest stars and Christmas banter and songs.

"oh, fie, fie, fie!" #2

2006-11-20T21:53:00.000-05:00

I did my Shakespearean monologue again today. It wasn't very good. Last time, I was in the moment, etc., but today I just didn't seem to get it. And that fact was reflected in the multitudes of notes I got from people. Now, they all weren't totally constructive (not to say that they were mean), but the general idea was that there was something missing.

So Mimi Mekler told me to play in the sand with my scene partner, who was supposed to be my brother, like how we did when we were kids. Now, here I am, a little sad that my monologue didn't work.

Side note: These last couple weeks have been a little hard for me. I keep on getting criticism that cuts my heart, even though I reasonably know that it wasn't personal.

Okay, so I'm on the verge of unreasonable tears, and I'm in a scene playing in a sandbox with my brother. So what do I do? I find an excuse to cry. I'm a kid, right? Alex Fiddes ruins my moat so I tuck in my knees and cry until he fixes it. Then we go on building the sandcastle.

Then Mimi says, "Okay, now, start your text."

The rest is a bit of a blur. It all seemed to touch me a lot more. I cried over my brother dying and how I could save him but wouldn't. It was all real. After that, I was upset for the rest of the class.

And I wonder: Is this really how it's supposed to be? Isn't it unhealthy to do this to yourself? I think there's something really big to be learned here, and maybe, today's monologue has been the reason I've been so emotional lately - so I could learn how to use it. Maybe. Does that sound too crazy?

Acting's hard. Being real in a situation that is decidedly not real.

I want to be good at this, even if it drives me crazy (and I think it might).

"if i get up, i might fall back down again"

2006-11-19T00:24:00.000-05:00

Sometimes people compliment me. Often, it doesn't really matter, because I refuse to believe it. (Why? I don't know. I think it has something to do with the way my older sisters made sure I was never vain.) I like them though. It would be better if I could just hear "I like you", rather than try and analyze what the complimenter said.

There's a compliment I've heard a few times in the last little while and it scares me. Is it vain to talk about? Who cares. This is my blog, my place to be self-indulgent.

People tell me that I'm strong.

And then I laugh. Me? Strong? That's very nice of you, but I think it's just because you don't know me. Because if you knew how many times I fall apart and how often I'm held together by threads, you probably wouldn't be saying that.

But then, I keep hearing it, from different places - from people who know me. Maybe it's me that's got it wrong. Maybe I don't really understand what strength is.

And maybe, it's not even my strength.

God is made strong in my weakness, right? Maybe, God's strength is that he threads my pieces back together. Maybe, that's what they meant.

I don't know if I understand this yet.

I've always wanted to be strong.

changed, not necessarily improved

2006-11-12T16:30:00.000-05:00

Hey, dudes! I've changed a bunch of stuff. I also found some new blog entries that I never published for one reason or another.

I didn't publish this one because I got in a car accident before I finished it.

This one, I didn't publish because I was frustrated with the HTML, and I was already frustrated when I was writing it. But I fixed it.

dream of the day: to be emma thompson

2006-11-12T13:40:00.000-05:00

I don't want to be someone who reviews movies because:
1. I don't watch a lot of new movies.
2. People always disagree with me, so I don't want to be responsible for making you see a movie you don't like. I mean, I really liked Punch Drunk Love and I hated Love, Actually.

BUT, you have to go see Stranger Than Fiction. Gloria and I went with expections of a Will Farrell movie, and we were both pleasantly disappointed. It's wonderful, it's thought-provoking. And Emma Thompson's performance may give you dreams of being her. Her character's angry, weird, and honest, with all these wonderful quirks.

The story is really original and interesting. I think the writer Zach Helm is someone to look out for. Plus, they have some really simple graphic designs through out, which enhanced the mentality of it all.

Okay, so just watch it, and fall in love with it, and thank me. I'm going to go add this one to my Facebook profile. (Now, you know I'm not joking.)